What I Learned from "Attached"

Diving into the science of adult attachment and how we can find the most suitable partner.

May 05, 2025

Attached is a book that explores into the science of adult attachment and how it can help us find the most suitable partner, and sustain romantic relationships through decoding relationship behavior.

In my opinion, authors Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A. ask two big questions:

1) Is love enough?

2) Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle?

For reference:

There are three attachment styles: Anxious, avoidant, and secure.

Anxious people crave intimacy, and are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and try to minimize closeness.

Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

People with each attachment style differ in:

Views of intimacy and togetherness
The way they deal with conflict
Their attitude towards sex
Their ability to communicate their wishes and needs
Their expectations from their partner and the relationship

Where do attachment styles come from?

Attachment styles in adulthood are influenced by a variety of factors, one of which is the way our parents cared for us, but other factors like life experiences also come into play.

By the numbers:

Everyone falls into a category, or more rarely, into a combination of anxious and avoidant.

Just over 50% are secure (Good news! Most people are secure)
Around 20% are anxious
25% are avoidant
3-5% are a combination of anxious and avoidant

Things I learned:

1) "Dependency is not a bad word...The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become...If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel it down with them." This is known as the "dependency paradox".

2) We should all strive to be secure. The odds are more in your favor if at least one person in the relationship is secure.

3) If you are avoidant and idealize a life of self-sufficiency and look down upon dependency, remember that "experiences are only meaningful when shared with others".

4) "It's believed that each attachment style evolved in order to increase the survival chances of humans in a particular environment. The secure attachment style has worked best because throughout history, our ancestors lived predominantly in close-knit groups where working together was by far the best way to secure their future and that of their offspring". Moral of the story—"a survival advantage can't buy you love".

5) Why you are more likely to meet avoidants (emotionally unavailable people) when you go out on a date:

People with an avoidant attachment tend to end their relationships more frequently, so they're back on the market more often.
People with a secure attachment usually don't go through as many partners before they find one that they can happily settle down with.
Avoidants are unlikely to be with other avoidants because they lack the emotional glue to stay together.

6) One of the best ways to assess your partner's attachment style is by using effective communication. What often happens when we first start dating someone is that we censor ourselves because we want them to like us. However, expressing your needs and true feelings can help you gauge the other person's capacity to meet your needs. "The response in real time, is usually much more telling than anything they could ever reveal of their own accord".

7) Tips on finding the right partner in a secure way:

Spot the "smoking guns" early on and treat them like deal breakers
Effectively communicate your needs from day one
Subscribe to the belief that there are many potential partners who could make you happy.

8) Contradictory intimacy needs = lower satisfaction. "When couples disagree about the degree of closeness and intimacy desired in a relationship, the issue eventually threatens to dominate all of their dialogue". This is called the "anxious-avoidant trap" because like a trap, you fall into it without knowing and it's hard to break free. So, anxious-avoidant couples have their work cut out for them. It can work, but one, or preferably both have to become more secure.

9) When in doubt, use effective communication. Ask your partner or potential partner what you need to ask them. It's better to get the answer than torture yourself wondering and making up false things that make you feel like shit or like you did something wrong.

My takeaway:

I heard about this book from a friend a couple of years ago. At the time, she was (and still is) in a relationship, and I wasn’t looking for one. I figured I’d get into attachment theory when it felt relevant to my life. I was also pretty sure I was avoidant.

Fast forward to now: I’m finally open to the idea of a romantic partnership. The great thing about this book is that you don’t need to be in a relationship to apply the knowledge. I read it to learn more about myself so I can attract and choose the right partner for my needs when the moment comes.

As I mentioned, based on the descriptions on the back of the book, I guessed I was avoidant. I never got close to anyone, my guard was always up, and I can’t even count on one hand how many people I’ve genuinely liked. It’s also worth noting I’ve never seen lasting romantic love around me — my parents are divorced, my grandparents didn’t stay together, and several aunts and uncles also called it quits.

So, I figured I was doomed anyway. From a young age, I decided not to prioritize romantic love because it didn’t seem everlasting. (Stick with me — this isn’t all pessimistic.)

I’ve been doing the work to shift that mindset, and for the first time, I’m genuinely open to finding a partner. That’s one of the reasons I finally picked up this book. I can now admit my grim outlook on love was rooted in fear. I was scared — scared of love, and scared of losing it.

What I’ve learned is that I can’t control how long love will last. What I can control is how secure I am and how I respond if it comes to an end. That realization changed me. When I find the right person — whether we’re together for 10 years or 40 — I’ll take it for what it is. I’d rather experience love than avoid it out of fear and miss out entirely.

One last thing:

I, of course, took the quiz in the book to find out my attachment style. Turns out... I’m secure! I’ve just been meeting avoidants. 😅 I guess I was acting avoidant as a defense mechanism.The more you know. This is why we read! 😉